On Mountain Biking

Well here we are again.  Much to my pleasant surprise, my last post was actually very well received, at least judging by comments on here and from friends on Facebook (Of course, they are biased).   Due to this it has encouraged me to have a go at this again.   Alas, no short story this time. This time I have been inspired by a conversation that went on between Darren and I a few days ago.

On Mountain Biking

After reading the title you are probably asking what this topic is doing on a website aimed primarily at geeks.  “Exercise?  What is this strange word of which you speak?” I put it here because I can.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and go in depth about bunch of items you might want or need to take with you.   I will delve into this a little bit but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. There are dozens of websites on which you can retrieve this information.  Instead I’ll go into something a little different.  But first some of the stuff you may want to bring:

Wear a helmet!  Period.  Don’t argue with me. Just do it.  Your brain cannot be replaced or grow back.   I cannot say this enough times.   I would recommend some type of gloves to protect your hands as well as eye protection.  The first time a tree branch slaps you across the face will convince you of this.  A small set of tools and either a tire patch repair kit or spare inner tube is also a good idea, plus some type of small tire pump to reinflate Mr. Flat Tire.  Pushing your bike several miles instead of riding it sucks.   I’m speaking from experience.  Bring something with which to rehydrate.   They make some really cool water bottles for biking now that are insulated, keeping your drink cold, that are relatively inexpensive and well worth it.   For longer trips consider picking up a Camel Back.   I swear by mine.  Some way of securing your feet to the pedals is necessary, whether it be a set of toe clips or the really cool shoes that fasten to the pedals via locking mechanism similar to ski bindings. You’re going to be riding off road and your feet will bounce off the pedals, leaving your crotch to slow your decent when it meets the crossbar if you don’t do this.

I would say these are the essential items with an actual bike topping off the list. (You’ll have a much easier time if you have one. Otherwise you’ll just wind up looking like a putz.)   Bike computers, helmet cameras, GPS, specialized clothing, etc. are nice but not something you really need.   Trust me on the other stuff though.  Been there, done that, got the smashed testicles to prove it.  Now that we have that out of the way we can get to the good stuff.

My buddy Joe and I usually go to a state park in South Carolina that sits above North Myrtle Beach close to the North Carolina border.  Nothing super cool about the trails.   It’s hilly enough to keep it interesting and the trails are through the woods, keeping it both shaded and relaxing.   Some of the trails lead down to boardwalks over wetlands and the intercoastal waterway making for some beautiful scenery.

Now, Joe tends to let me take the lead. Not because I’m a natural leader but because my dumb ass tends to ride with the reckless abandon of a capuchin monkey on crack (This, more times than not, leaves Joe wondering where the hell I disappeared to).   This leads to me finding all of the nasty shit before he does, which kind of makes me a human mine detector.   Except the “mines” are spiders the size of your hand and the “detector” is my face.  Now it’s good to try and avoid these big f-ing spiders because when you do happen to find one of them with your face you tend to, shortly thereafter, find a big f-ing tree to crash into.   At this point you will be glad you wore a helmet.  Joe likes this because: A.) He doesn’t have to find any spiders and  B.) My screams of, “GET IT OFF!”, make it much easier for him to find me.   Asshole.

Now, once you are done wrecking the local spider habitat, bandaging all of your new “war wounds” and replacing the twenty or so gallons of fluid you have either sweated or bled out, you will probably be ready to head home.  Before leaving, double check that you have all of your belongings.  Getting home after a long drive from wherever you just had your local adventure and realizing you dropped your wallet somewhere tends to suck.

When you do get home, take care of your bike.  Wash it, clean all of the dirt and sand out of the gears and chain.   Once you have done this make sure to lubricate it.   They make some really cool tools/machines that clamp on around the chain that you add the lubricant/cleaner to that make this job so much easier.  Definitely worth the twenty five bucks or so that these cost.   Take care of your bike and it will take care of you.  Pedaling with a nice, clean, well lubricated chain as opposed to some rusty piece of crap is so much easier.  Not to mention that if you don’t maintain your bike she will, and I guarantee this, fail you at the most inopportune time.  This usually lead to you learning exactly how extensive your lexicon of profanity really is.   Hell, you might even invent some new words (Scrotum pimple is my favorite so far).

Now that you have read exactly how awesome and rewarding this pastime is, I know you can’t wait to push that X-Box aside and get out there and do this!  Most important of all though; have fun, be safe and never, ever go alone just in case you actually do injure yourself.