My Dad the Pimp

An Idiot’s Guide To Punishment

Admittedly, I am not a parent.  Never have been.  So maybe I’m not the most qualified person to judge parenting skills and choices.

But then again, I used to be a kid.  And I’ve seen a lot of movies.  So… sure… I’d say I’m a reliable source.

There’s a story this week out of Southlake, Texas featuring a moronic father and his little hoe-bag of a daughter.  The daughter, upstanding citizen that she is, was caught breaking curfew…again.  The article doesn’t say what she was out doing, but I would assume it’s the usual angst-filled frolicking.

Shooting hookers.  Selling illegal narcotics.  You know… kid stuff.

So she comes home late and Dad is none too pleased about it.  So does he beat her?  No Sir.  Grounded?  Well… kind of.

He takes out an ad in the local newspaper.

“Want a free babysitter for a night out?”

Now the first time I read this, and it’s probably just me, I assumed he was prostituting the girl’s company out to anyone and everyone for a night on the town, free of charge.  That’ll teach her.  Wait till she has to hook up with 4 or 5 Johns in a back alley somewhere, then she’ll come home on time.

Tired of that old nagging wife, how bout my attractive young babysitter daughter?  She’s perky!  Not the most punctual of mistresses, but hey, she’ll do in a pinch.

The ad goes on to explain, thankfully, that he’s actually pimping out his daughter’s babysitting services, explaining in the ad that she is in trouble for missing her curfew and is offering 30 free hours of babysitting.

Here’s my next question.  Let’s say I’m a parent.  I mean… I wasn’t really ready for another couple years or so… I still had so much I wanted to do… I’ve never even seen Europe.  But you know… responsibility, I’ll get by.  I shall name him…Slimer. Where was I?

So I’m a parent.  The wife and I are getting tired of doing nothing more than changing diapers and wiping up slobber every Saturday night (his name is Slimer after all).  It’s time to find ourselves a little help and head off for a nice romantic night on the town.  Maybe get some dinner, see a late movie… something with explosions.  We open up the daily paper and come across this loving father’s ad.

What’s this you say?  An unreliable, immature child I can leave solely responsible for the well-being of my pride and joy?  And she’s going to be coming against her will?  Why that means she’ll be that much LESS likely to do anything even remotely related to caring for my child!  But hey… it’s free!

I’m thinking not.

Don’t people tend to want to screen babysitter’s thoroughly?  Don’t they usually want someone trustworthy, someone secure, someone who isn’t, you know, being pimped out involuntarily by their overprotective father?  I’m not leaving little Slimer with just anyone!

And this is completely ignoring the flip side where some horrible Dateline cover-story with a deep Southern accent could be responding to this ad.

Sure, you can watch my baby.

Mister, that’s a potato sack with a baseball cap on it.

LOCK THE DOOR, CLETUS!

I do commend the father for looking for new and innovative ways to try and deal with his daughter’s discretions.  I also however, think that he’s an idiot.

This is a bad idea.  Pure and simple.  You can’t pimp out your daughter, to babysit or anything else, as a method of teaching life-lessons.  If you want to try and call in an old war buddy who can fake losing an arm in front of her, now you’re talking!

Sometimes problems at home are best dealt with at home.  YOUR home.  So please stop trying to send your irresponsible child into OURS.  Free or not, I think we can find another babysitter.