The Expendables Review…Spoilers…if you can spoil a movie like this

This past Friday was date night.  And as you may have noticed I am married to a full-on Geek.  So what did our date night consist of?  The Expendables and Pinkberry.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen.  Drink it in. My wife is a nurse, hot, a geek, and likes movies like Kill Bill, Battle Royal, Tropic Thunder, Kick-Ass, and yes, the Expendables. I know, I’m a lucky man…

On to the movie.

First things first. This movie has enough testosterone in it to give your grandma ‘Roid rage.  All in all it was an entertaining film.  It was awesome to see the likes of Sly, Bruce, Arnold, Jet, Dolph, Mickey and that guy who played the cop in Dexter share the big screen with a handful of MMA and WWE stars along with a host of extras.

There were some good effects, some bad effects, and some funny ones to boot.  At moments the CGI was as obvious as some of the “actors” trying to successfully deliver lines for the first time.  Regardless of all that, the dialogue was generally quippy and usually pretty funny, especially the banter between Jason Statham and Stallone.  Perhaps the best and most awkward scene was when Bruce Willis, Stallone, and Schwarzenegger were all sharing the screen for the 5 minutes of sheer greatness that ensued.

I think they did a great job interspersing really cool blood and gore effects with normal violence.  Some of the moves, like Couture’s signature slam, became slightly repetitive, but no more boring that watching knives repeatedly thrown into peoples’ heads and what’s not to like about that?  There was some great knife action.  Also, my favorite automatic shotgun from CoD:MW2 got some hysterical love.  And of course there were the obligatory massive explosions of a set that I could swear was out of 28 days later.  But no big deal, it’s every freaking action hero imaginable.

Mickey Rourke probably dealt up the most convincing moment of emotion in the entire film with his monologue about the effects of war on the human soul and the search from redemption.  It seems taht the theme of the significance of combat on the individuals participating in it is a strong drive for Stallone, based on his more recent works. This can be seen, as the reason he quit the Rambo film series for so many years was that the writers took the character to a direction that Stallone didn’t feel supported the original vision of the first movie of the series.  He had more liberty with the latest Rambo film, which is why he agreed to the movie in the first place.

Thankfully the girl and Stallone didn’t get romantically involved, just this awkward hug thing at the end.  Kudos for them keeping an action movie about smashing Dolph Lundgren’s face in with steel toed boots and not forcing a manufactured romance down our throats.  Thanks for keeping it real guys.  Though this brings me to a thought on actors turned directors and how they should really have a second director to help them act.  It was occasionally obvious that Stallone was directing himself and no one was telling him to do a scene differently or to fix certain things.  But who cares, it’s every freaking action hero imaginable.

Of course we got the obligatory shirtless hunk shot, though surprisingly it wasn’t Statham ala Transporter series.  But Stallone stripped for us just to prove he was still diesel, steroids or no…  Wait, who are we kidding?  Steroids or steroids. Along with that was the awkward explanation of Couture’s cauliflower ear, a condition we grapplers develop that eventually becomes permanent, not a desired trait in actors, I guess.  But hey it’s every freaking action hero imaginable!

Now I have to confess I’ve been permanently scarred by Kick-Ass. I fell in love with Hitgirl, as a character mind you, not in a 12 yr old creepizor kind of way.  They did such a great job with the action and violence in that movie I will never look at an action flick the same.  That being said, the Expendables was an excellent hour and a half of entertainment, blending humor and action much like Kick-Ass did. They even pulled off a cool reloading the pistol shot similar to Hitgirl, just minus the flipping in the air.

If you’re looking for anything remotely intellectually stimulating, or to find layers of meaning such as in Inception, do yourself a favor and just stay at home. Likewise if, you are considering a romantic date night, also probably a bad idea…unless you’re married to my wife, and if you are then you’re me, so it’s okay because she’ll like it. But if you’re simply look for some fun entertainment with some laughs and to watch a bunch of juiced guys strut around and, in the words of why most people join the military, just “blow shit up” you cant go wrong with the Expendables. Besides, it has every freaking action hero imaginable!

As an after thought I felt I should acknowledge that while Segal, van Damme and (I hate to include him in this list) Norris were not in this film, there are simple reasons for that. Segal isn’t nor has he ever been a legit action star, just ask Joe Rogan.  Jean-Claude while a slightly better actor than fighters turned actors, refused on basis of poor character development, never mind that whole Universal Soldiers 2 thing…  And if you must ask about Chuck…come on…his beard alone could have done everything all those guys put together did.  God forbid he actually walk on screen… our heads would have exploded from sheer awesomeness…