Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work

Divorce – for lack of a better term – sucks.

Anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, anguish, bitterness, hatred, and regret are just a few of the emotions that come up during and after a divorce. The person being divorced starts questioning their value as a person and as a mate. They start thinking and saying “If only I had done this…” or “I should have done this …” or “I am not lovable” or “I’ll never be happy” or “I’ll always be alone”.

Divorce can destroy self-esteem. Divorce can turn you into a vile, mean-spirited sonofabitch. Divorce can have you climbing the bell tower at your local university campus and taking pot-shots at whoever you can sight in on.

You have to understand that all of the feelings and emotions that surface are normal. Accept them instead of denying that they exist. Work through each emotion. You are not a bad person for thinking or feeling a certain way. You are simply human. I of course, am somewhat more than that.

I find it unfortunate that two people aren’t able to make their commitment work. I also believe that people shouldn’t be miserable the rest of their lives if a marriage isn’t working out. I would much rather people move on with their lives if they have tried to fix a relationship and it didn’t work out. Unfortunately, some people aren’t willing to try to fix anything at all and would rather just look for the next “big thing”.

Divorce is never easy for the people involved. It can have long-term affects on any new relationships. Trust me – I’m in the process of getting my second one… which is the point of this post.

I could easily do one of those bitter, ranting posts where I absolve myself of all blame – but that’s not the type of guy I am. It’s also pointless. I’m not in a Hugh Grant movie where, well, Hugh Grant acts like Hugh Grant. Realistically, I don’t think of divorce as if it is some sort of salvation. I think of it as a necessary evil.

I wanted to have a marriage that I was proud of, that felt good most of the time – but that hasn’t been the case for years. Is that my wife’s fault? Not entirely. I was often struck with a despair that shocked even me. I was not happy. I have to fix that problem within myself and not blame her for it.

But take it from me – divorce can be a learning experience that makes you stronger and healthier emotionally. It all depends on your attitude and how you act after a divorce. You can go through life blaming others for your unhappiness or you can choose to live and learn from it and create a new beginning. The choice is ultimately up to you.

Here are some suggestions for people in the process of divorce and for those already divorced:

• Give yourself permission to let your feelings out. Write about ‘em, talk about ‘em, scream and cry about ‘em.
• Pamper yourself as much as possible. Do some things that you put off doing while you were married. Start taking care of yourself and your needs.
• Take responsibility for your feelings.
• Have somebody to talk to.

I honestly believe that throughout a divorce it really helps being a geek. Instead of sitting around sharpening knives, I can just hop on the ‘ol 360, read a graphic novel, or watch Star Wars: A New Hope for the 8000th time. I can play 40K or D&D with friends or paint miniatures until I am blue in the face (and fingers, as my fellow Ultramarine players well know).

And personally? I’m probably better than I’ve been in a long time. Tongue and cheek bitterness aside, I’m not going to be brought down by things beyond my control.

So that’s why I’ve been much quieter as of late than normal, Geekcentricity readers. I just figured it was time to get the word out.