A Female’s Take on Damsels in Distress

Damsels in distress don’t bother me.  I don’t think that helplessness is a trait that all women have, but it is well known we are physically weaker than men (unless you happen to be this).  I happen to think that Prince Charming saving Princess Aurora/Snow White/Cinderella (that womanizing bastard…) makes for a decently entertaining storyline.  I do feel like a lot of these pansy women could actually keep from being stolen or eating poison apples, but what do I know?  Really, what do I know?  I think I know enough to break down the individual plights of a few damsels in distress (damsel in distresses?) and decide if they are actually worthy of this title.  So sit back, relax, and let me do all the work for you.  Like women usually do.  I’m putting mayonnaise on this sandwich whether you like it or not, though.

Andromeda

According to Greek mythology, Cassopeia, Queen of Ethiopia, being the genius that she was, told everyone she was more beautiful than the Nereids.  The Nereids are little sea-nymph things that really aren’t that important to the story.  Poseidon was all “hell no you aren’t, bitch” and sent a sea monster (Cetus) to wreak havoc upon Ethiopa.  The king sought help from an oracle who said something to the effect of “for some reason, the only way to get rid of this monster is to chain your virgin daughter to a rock and wait for her to be eaten”.  I’m not exactly sure how this would appease the sea monster (see: rape monster), but it was supposed to.  Anyhow, here’s Andromeda, tied naked to a rock.  Obviously there’s no way for her to get out.  She has no sharp weaponry with her that is able to cut through whatever material bound her.  Perseus just happens to be walking down the road carrying Medusa’s severed head right at dinner time.  He kills Cetus (Cthulu) and saves Andromeda.  In fact, he saves her from two things: death and incest.  They get married, even though Andromeda was promised to her uncle.  Jerry! Jerry!

Verdict:  Andromeda is a legit damsel in distress.  Also, Cetus is really Cthulu and the ancient Greeks were totally okay with incest and cradle-robbing (see: Zeus).

Tooty from Banjo-Kazooie (Nintendo 64)

At the beginning of Banjo-Kazooie, Tooty is kidnapped by the wicked witch (rahrah why can’t it be a wicked wizard instead?) Gruntilda.  The witch is envious of Tooty’s physical beauty, and plans to steal it with some weird transfer machine.  Tooty seems to be a little girl of about ten (maybe even younger, given she doesn’t even speak English coherently – I thought Grunty was a witch, not a hot female orc.), so that of course makes it easy for her to be stolen from just outside her home.  She has no one to watch her except for her idiot brother Banjo, who’s sleeping.  I’m surprised she hadn’t been stolen earlier from a Wal Mart bathroom or something given his failure as a guardian (“You’re going to get stolen by a strange man!”)  Tooty has nothing with her at the time of her abduction except a piccolo, which can’t feasibly be used to fend off a potential attacker.  She is held captive in Grunty’s castle with some giant green henchman watching over her.  I seriously doubt a ten-year-old could overpower Grunty, her henchman(men?), and whatever else might be standing in her way to escape the castle safely.

Verdict:  Tooty is a damsel in distress and Banjo needs to get his ass in gear.

Princess Peach Toadstool from the Mario franchise

How many times have we seen something like this?  Okay, well not quite like that, but you get the idea.  Princess Peach is a serial damsel in distress, and honestly, I’m tired of saving her.  Thanks for the power up, but it’s not going to do me any good.  I’m going to lose it in the water world with that giant fish that eats me.  I always do.  I feel like after awhile, she would wise up to Bowser’s tricks and not get kidnapped.  Or maybe she should just lock herself in her room and never come out, since she’s so bad at life.  Maybe her and Bowser have something going on?  Whatever the situation, I feel like Princess Peach is just trying to get kidnapped.  If you’ve played Super Smash Bros., you know that Peach can hold her own.  Granted, most of her moves use Toad, but she can still put you to sleep by dancing (Peach Blossom).  She even has her own game!  In Super Princess Peach, Mario, Luigi, and Toad are kidnapped, and Peach beats Bowser at the end (with her emotions, but that’s beside the point).  And seriously, look at this.  I’ll bet she puts her cigarettes out on Toad’s head.  I really don’t feel like I need to delve into this anymore.  Everyone knows Peach isn’t as pitiful as it seems.

Verdict:  Princess Peach is mad lazy and doesn’t even care.  She could probably kick Bowser’s ass, but she doesn’t even try.  Also, SHE’S A PRINCESS.  SHE SHOULD HAVE BETTER BODY GUARDS THAN TOADS.  Princess Peach is not a true damsel in distress.  She’s just stupid and has a stupid face.

Pauline from various Donkey Kong games

Pauline is the voluptuous brunette from Donkey Kong ’94, or the little blonde character being taken to the top of a building from DK in the original arcade game.  She was apparently Mario’s girlfriend before Peach, and was inexplicably dropped from his life for ten years.  They sure did a great job of keeping their breakup private given how famous they are.  I don’t see how paparazzi didn’t get anything.  Really though, Pauline is just a regular person.  All she has is a purse and high heels to fight off a giant ape, and she drops those in the arcade game.  There is almost no way she could get away.  She’d need a few months for muscle toning so she could look like that woman in the picture in the first paragraph.

Verdict:  Pauline is a damsel in distress, and was also totally shafted in the deal.  She gets kidnapped by a monkey every game she’s in, her theme park never opens, and she’s dumped for a princess.  That just sucks.

I could go on, but I’m supposed to be making you a sandwich, remember?  My point is, damsels in distress aren’t a bad thing altogether.  So they don’t mirror all of female-kind, but who cares?  I think it makes for an okay storyline (see: almost every Disney movie ever made).  That’s just my take on it.

Oh, and don’t mind that overly peppery taste on your sandwich.  It’s just the rat poison.