6 Survival Tips for Parenting During The Zombie Apocalypse

Raising children is difficult even in the best of times, but now that we’re constantly being hunted by zombies infected with The Virus, raising children can seem like a near impossibility.  Don’t sweat it! With these tips you’ll be able to raise strong healthy children capable of carrying on the legacy of humanity in the New World Order.

 1. Disinfect

Cleanliness is key.  Babies and toddlers are notorious for shoving things in their mouthes.  This might have been relatively harmless before The Virus, but now it can be deadly.  How do you know that stick little Timmy is gnawing on wasn’t drooled on by a zombie?  You don’t.  Disinfecting sprays, wipes, and UV wands should be a part of every zombie defense diaper bag.  It is also imperative that your child only play on disinfected surfaces.  Carry a sterile yoga mat on your back- when rolled up properly it can be easily fit in between your machine gun and axe.  Please make sure to wipe it, and all of your little one’s toys before and after play.  It of course goes without saying that everyone should wash their hands with clean warm water and soap whenever possible. Nobody wants their child to become infected.  Think about how hard it will be to get your zombie spawn into a good preschool?

 2. Stranger Danger

We were all taught to NEVER accept rides or candy from strangers.  This can not be more true during the Zombie Apocalypse.  Aside from actual zombies going after your children, you have to be mindful of local militias, and shadow governments trying to recruit your child for medical experiments, or a zombie feeding program.  Make sure your child knows who the trusted adults are in your collective, and have a “password” so that everyone knows who they can trust.  Zombies have a hard time annunciating, so make sure your password is multisyllabic.

 3. Weapons Training

Chances are, your child is still too small to safely operate a machine gun.  Until the wee lad or lass can however, you can prepare them for it with basic firearm safety lessons, and proper cleaning techniques.  Allowing your child to assist with barrel cleaning, and ammunition feeding can be a fantastic learning experience, and it’s a great opportunity for parent/child bonding.

 4. Bulletproof Babywearing

Strollers are impractical and can be a hazard in the New World Order.  If your offspring isn’t walking well yet, avail yourself of one of the many kinds of baby carriers available on the black market and cover it in padding and a kevlar shell (make certain that there is sufficient ventilation so that baby can breathe easily).  A back carry is usually best for older children, as they can look forward over your shoulder and can aid in battle with small firearms.  A front carry makes it possible to breastfeed hands free, allowing you the ability to swing an axe with ease.

 5. Snacks

Sitting down every night for a family dinner might not always be possible.  Keep meals smaller and more often with protein bars, canned goods, and bottled water.  Finger foods  are great because your small children can feed themselves rather than depending on you to do it, which leaves you vulnerable to zombie attack.  Keep snacks in your diaper bag, utility vest, and cargo pants.  Keeping children well fed is the easiest way to keep children quiet.  Nobody wants their little screamer to attract a hoard of bloodthirsty brain craving zombies.

 6. Layers

Multiple light layers that can be taken off and on easily are much more practical, and way less bulky than heavy coats and blankets.  Beheading zombies and defending the home base from looters is a major workout and you can get overheated easily.  Dress yourself and your children in clothes that are flexible, breathable, and in neutral colors.

Wearing your baby leaves your hands free to shoot zombies

Raising children is one of the most rewarding things one can do in a lifetime.  Your babies will one day swing axes along side you and hopefully with extermination and a good quarantining strategy they can raise their children in a world that’s Virus free.